here I am!

I'm back to blog...I said I would even though I don't have anything that interesting to say :) On top of being in this mood funk, I have a sore throat...which has been happening a lot lately. I never used to get sick, but lately I seem to get a sore throat/head cold a lot. Especially in the summer months, which is even more miserable. Here's to hoping I don't eventually have to get my tonsils out...I hear the older you get, the more painful the surgery is. On the bright side, I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow (my first!) and I'm cooking up a Strawberry Jello Pretzel that the baby mama loves :) Thank you all for all the recipes you gave me a while ago, I look forward to using them in the future. They looked delicious!

I feel like this post is a bit all over the place, but oh well. My post may seem Debbie Downerish or pity partyish, or kind of like "Ok, and I care why?" but I'm still new to all of this...and I feel like this blog is an opportunity to let me get my thoughts and feelings out there without actually having to talk to people in my life who may be biased or who love to dish out advice they don't readily take. Maybe I just can't articulate my thoughts and feelings to them the way I want to either. Lately there have been some things that I've been reflecting on. I'm sorry for letting it all out, once again, it's just a place where I know it's safe to say what I want and maybe you too have felt the same.

I'm sure we all get to a point in our life where we re-evaluate and re-prioritize things. I feel as if I do that a lot. My conclusion is that a lot of my mood funk has to do with having to get rid of the old and come in with the new. Yesterday I was reading a blog where the writer was talking about how they felt they needed to be a better friend to people. They felt as if they were more of a taker and not so much of a giver in the friendship. This got me thinking...I feel as if I'm ALWAYS the giver in my friendships and that there are people in my life who just take, take, take. There are sometimes where it's mutual give and take, but I feel as if sometimes all my energy is expended on being the giver most of the time. It's painful because at some point I never know when enough is enough and when taking too much takes it's poll. Do you distance yourself from those who keep taking, do you speak up, is it worth it to speak up because you feel as if it's just part of who the person is, or do you get rid of them all together? I just never know. There's also a guy situation that currently has me confused, probably what's weighing me down more than anything. My feelings are so lost and confused and I find myself on the brink of tears when I think about him. Hopefully I'll figure that out soon enough. Let it play itself out or try to have "a talk" because we all know that talking to guys about their feelings can go over SO well. Amazing how it being around that time of the month and intensify all your emotions it seems- it's not a pleasant time as I already have way TOO many emotions to begin with!

All in all, I think the next BIG step, like my "What God Wants You to Know" application told me the other day is that I need to just love and accept myself and hopefully all things will fall into place. I feel like I really need to start making time for myself because I make time for EVERYONE else and I don't really give myself the love and attention I need. I need to do what's good for me. I need to take the time to get serious about going to the gym and feeling better. I need to get healthy, to feel empowered, to love the way I look, to gain a bit of confidence instead of letting my low self confidence dictate so much. I look back and realize I missed so many opportunities because I was afraid. Afraid of what people would think, afraid of what some people would say...when all I should have been afraid of is how powerful or great I could have been in those opportunities. It's a journey that I feel I'm finally ready to go on. I don't want to spend my life wondering about the "what if's" - it's time to actually make it happen. It's the one thing I can do to myself which will give me the greatest rewards.

This reminds me of a letter that Trisha Yearwood wrote to her younger self in the book "What I Know Now" which is a great book. Basically this book is about powerful and influential women and women that we all pretty much know. They write letters to their younger selves about things they wish they had known then that they know now. There are some letters that are really great and some really great quotes that I got out of them. This is Trisha Yearwoods letter to her younger self, give or take a few things...these were the parts that stuck out to me:

"I’ve got something to say to you, and I hope you will listen with an open heart. Don’t be so worried about what everybody else thinks of you, and don’t think your happiness depends on someone else. I want you to trust yourself. Trust that if you take care of yourself on the inside, follow your instincts, and let yourself evolve naturally, your potential for happiness will be so much greater….There are going to be times when your gut instinct is telling you something isn’t right, and you’re going to go ahead with it anyway. If you keep that up, I know exactly what’s going to happen: in about a year, you’ll be standing in the back of a church with Daddy, getting ready to walk down the aisle. Daddy’s going to say jokingly, “We can duck out the back door if you want to.” You don’t dare tell him that’s what you want to do.

Everybody will be sitting there, everything will have been paid for, and there will be a ton of cake to eat. You’ll be afraid of the embarrassment of calling it off. And so you’ll get married – for all the wrong reasons – to a wonderful guy.

There’s another way of living, and it has brought me a sense of peace I want you to have. Know that God has a plan for your life. Turn your life over to him everyday. Stop looking outside yourself for validation and approval – you’re letting other people define your happiness. Instead of trying so hard to manipulate life, take care of yourself on the inside. Then all those other attributes you’re so desperately seeking will find you naturally"